I didn't know what to expect.
So I sat quietly in shame waiting for something
...anything...
After my poor use of time and lack of effort into building this relationship over the past month,
nay,
semester,
how could I feel anything without being completely torn apart?
Then Aaron sang:
And when before the throne, I stand in Him complete
There I stood...in front of a wall of light...the throne
completely drained
my arms hung limply at my sides
and my hands...usually busy out of nerves...unmoving and useless.
Humility.
How could you accept me?
Perfectionism is dangerous.
I've always felt that when I'm not in the Word and spending time in Prayer...that I'm not putting enough effort into growing my relationship with Jesus. That somehow...someway (even if I know in my head it's not true) it all depends on me. This lie.
So where are the areas I fail in the most?
My alone time of course.
And because of this I feel like I fail God time and time again.
I've come to realize that my way of dealing with the failure is to either ignore it...putting up a wall of apathy.
and/or internalize it....not feeling good enough for God. Usually standing back and letting those who are good enough be used by Him. I often long for the Spirit, and am jealous of those who I can see working through it....but would I be able to handle it and use it properly?
So when God is thrust upon me...at first I don't know what to do because I'm not good enough for Him.
It's never been about what we do
But about what He has done.
I stared blankly ahead of me at the throne of white light.
Why me?
Then I saw it
An outline of a butterfly
slowly it filled in with swirling and continually changing colors of reds and oranges and it became solid enough to fly.
flitting here and there over a beautiful sunlit green meadow.
...and I knew it was me.
And then I was dancing with Jesus in the meadow
(cause that's what I always do...I dance with Jesus at Encounter)
He twirled me and I started to cry knowing that eventually the music would stop and I'd have to open my eyes and it would all disappear.
How can I keep this real on the other side of my eyelids?
So I ran to him asking:
"Why....why would you make me such a beautiful butterfly? I don't deserve it...why?"
And Jesus smiled...pulled me to Him and kissed my forehead.
Don't worry about it. He said.
Just. Be. Beautiful.
All that junk...yes, he knows about it. But He doesn't remind me of it to humiliate me (or make me the feisty, defensive, little Samaritan woman that I can be).
He means to show me that despite all of it, He still waits for me....comes for me.
That He needs me. Thirsts for me.
If only I knew who He was.
He can fill me up.
So two things:
How do I "just be beautiful"?
and "who are you...really"?
Because I'm tired of coming back to this same well to be filled only to be let down.
