I haven't written in so long that it took me nearly an hour to remember how to log into my account!
I've been itching to write. About anything, really.
And now that I'm here...I don't really know what to say. So I'm just going to start rambling and see where it takes me. :)
Speaking of itchy. I had a dream last night that I woke up in a hospital with "plugs" in my hands and feet. I discovered that, although I didn't remember it happening, I had been stung over and over by some insect. While unconscious, they inserted plugs into my skin to fight the poison. In the dream though, I was so freaked out by where I was and what was on my skin that I started tearing them. My hands and feet started tingling so bad that I couldn't move them.
What the heck does that mean? I haven't been able to get it out of my head.
Actually, I've had a lot of strange dreams lately. Pink bug mutations...things chasing me...hiding in secret passageways. I think I recently had a flying dream and I spent most of the time trying to show people that I actually could.
The other night I had one in which I found out that I had a half-brother about my age and I was incredible angry with my parents.
I'm a strong believer that dreams mean something. Unfortunately, half the time I don't understand them at all! lol.
I'm still trying to figure out a very vivid dream I had about a year ago.
~I watched a beautiful maiden in a long dress stand on a dock with flowers. Somehow, the flowers fell into the water and floated on the surface. She knelt down and reached for them, but fell in and drowned in the process. As the onlooker in the dream, I felt such deep shame at not rescuing her...or being unable to. Yet at the same time, I felt that I was the maiden. ~
I have real dreams. Things I ache for with every fiber of my being. I cannot discount the deep significance of why I have these dreams. That God would not put such a passion in me without a means to fulfill it. That these dreams will constantly lead me back to Him...Out of my need for Him and also the connection with how I am created in His image.
Romance.
Being "Pursued."
Goodness...how many times have I complained to God about that not being satisfied??! I've rehearsed it over and over. You would think I'd have prayed so fervently for it that I don't have any words left, any more rants, any more tears. But I do. Lol! As if God doesn't know it by now...I still frequently am overcome and rant once again to Him. I feel like I nag God a lot, especially on this point. Reminds me of that persistent widow (Luke 18: 1-8). Sometimes I get to the point where I feel like I just slump limply before him...no words...just my soul crying out. That seems dramatic to say...but the groaning of the heart is not a matter to take lightly.
So surely, one day, He'll come through for me. He must. He will. :) I mean, He already has of course (ex: my Senior Show narrative). But when it comes to romance...I'm still freaking Sleeping Beauty! I dream a dream.
Will I publicly post this? For some reason, blasting my desire for a relationship seems too transparent. Why? Why, when my last post was such a very humbling testimony? What is so much worse about admitting how much I want to be pursued? After all...I don't want to come across as "desperate!" Heavens no!
But I am. That's the reality. Perhaps keeping such a guard up actually prevents me from being pursued. Fancy me that.
That's the ugly truth of it all. And since I'm being totally honest...I've been discovering a lot of the ways that I am guarded, preventing people from entering my world. Especially guys. Isn't that the irony!? Something I long for so deeply, and yet my own fears and past hurt actually keep it from me. Arms length.
*Sigh*...inner healing. Always a journey.
Perhaps then...it is no surprise that the subject of my Art Show relates heavily to the story of Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. Especially the waiting agony of the Sleeping Curse and the brilliant Awakening. The pursuit and intimate touch that awakens to new life....and a means to love others well. That's my story. That's our story...it's thick with Christian themes! My faith. My hope. My dream.
I'm still skipping around the current issue. Here's the deal. For once...it would be so nice...to actually have an escort to a dance. Even just a guy friend! I've never had that experience before...and this is my last Charity Ball, dang it!!
