The new year has never really meant much for me.
It's never felt like a new beginning...a chance to start again.
Interestingly enough...my birthday is shortly after New Years...yet the meaning has always escaped me.
Until now.
Maybe it's because in past years I've never been in "a spot" to take time and reflect on the past year.
But...
as I was driving home after a Christian conference in Kansas City...everything that happened during the past year slid into place and I came to realize just how much God has been working.
And he won't just let me keep the story to myself. :)
I write...to give a testimony to the fact that He truly does have a plan...even in the midst of pain. God give me the grace and wisdom to eloquently tell of Your wonderful ways. And your beautiful hurricane love.
~
Over a year ago I arrived in London. I decided to study abroad because I wanted to travel, I've always wanted to go to Europe and explore. But...really...I went because I didn't want to pass up the opportunity. Even though none of my friends were going with me...which terrified me...I hated the thought of letting fear hold me back. I was going even if I was going to have to spend four months in England alone!!
My time in London and all my travels was great, don't get me wrong!! But I have never been so homesick in my life! Yes, I made friends there...but not close friends like I have at Central. I don't know how many times I went on adventures around the city completely by myself. I had no one who I could "truly talk to"...those deep life chats that keep me sane and whole. I had no one to lift me up with spiritual encouragement and pray with me.
It. was. hard.
One of the consequences of traveling nearly every weekend was that I didn't go to church. I went four months without getting that weekly fellowship and rest that I need. I reasoned that even if I was in London for the weekend, I wouldn't find a church that was the right "fit." Which is partially true...I tried out two different churches the whole time I was there and it was definitely not what I was used to... or needed. But really, I just wasn't looking hard enough.
Speaking of rest...I never let myself. Whenever I had a free moment, I would go do something around the city because...again...I didn't want to pass anything up. Although I was there for four months, free time was limited and I felt I needed to get out and DO something before I lost the opportunity, lest I leave London unexplored. Daunting task...there's so much to do in London, it's impossible to get to everything. Still, I was determined. If it was light outside...I was somewhere exploring the city.
The unrest caught up to me very quickly, but I didn't let it slow me down. Very rarely did I take time to pray and have quiet time with Jesus. And when I did...it was usually an emergency "I'm tired, fill me up God so I can keep going (the way I have been)." I now see that what I needed was a Sabbath...how much garbage builds up when you don't take that time. I didn't see that then.
Consequently...I was very empty. I could probably count the number of times I got out my Bible during the time I was there on one hand. I saw so much beauty around me and hardly praised God for it. I worshiped my own adventurous spirit, even though it exhausted me. I became prideful of my ability to navigate cities and travel on my own. The power to go anywhere I wanted. I loved it. I could make my own destiny. But I didn't realized how much this pride and desire for control was clouding my mind. I think they were things that had always had roots...but studying abroad fostered these sins and allowed them to sprout ugly leaves.
"I can make it on my own.
I don't need God."
I would never have admitted it. In fact, I don't think I even realized it at the time...but that is exactly how I was living.
The day FINALLY came when I could come home. It was sad to say goodbye to my so-called "freedom." But I missed home...my family and friends... so much it hurt. The transition from Europe to home wasn't difficult at all. I didn't even really feel the effects of the time change on my sleep.
Summer came with a lot of free time to think. When I would try to have "Jesus time" my guilt would take over and I felt I couldn't pray for myself or anyone. I knew it was foolish because God loves me! But I was so ashamed at my lack of time reading the Bible and in prayer over the last four months. Even though I knew God couldn't be disappointed with me in my head...it didn't touch my heart. I felt I had let Him down. It took a long conversation and prayer with a friend, some passages from a book I was reading, and some time at Encounter before I let the truth penetrate and change my heart. (I wrote about this revelation in a post over the summer titled: Just Be Beautiful)
The truth:
That God loves for me to spend time in the word and in prayer...
but it's not a requirement.
It's not something I'm going to get a bad grade on if I don't do it.
He doesn't "require anything" of me and even when all I see is my own failure...all He sees is beauty.
I finally believed it.
...anyways...
Almost as soon as I was home I started having mysterious "cramp-like" pains. They weren't terrible...but it was just strange that I'd have them when it wasn't that time of the month...and only on one side of my abdomen. They would come at unpredictable times and last for a couple hours then leave. Normally I could take Advil and it would get rid of the problem. However, as the summer went on...Advil stopped helping.
I also noticed that I had put on some weight in my midsection...so I began a workout routine that consisted of a lot of ab exercises.
My family and I went on a two week road trip with the camper out to California and during this time the pains came on stronger and more frequently. There were a few nights when I got little sleep.
When school started up again I was SO excited to be back and catch-up with the people I had missed SO much!! One of the first days back I had the urge to go for a looong walk. I went for five miles and it was wonderful...until the next day.
The pain was awful. Much more frequent and so bad that all I could do was lay down in bed and focus on my breathing. One of the times it even felt like I was having a contraction! I was so frustrated because I could never predict when the pain would come. I lost sleep. I missed classes. And...I didn't get to catch up with all my friends and meet new people like I had so hoped and looked forward to. I just didn't have control over the pain.
I finally went to the doctor...and, an ultrasound later, it was confirmed that I had a chocolate cyst on my ovary and needed to see a specialist. Dr. Messenger (interesting name choice) told me she thought I had a condition called endometriosis, which is basically an uncurable disease of the female organs. She told me I needed surgery to remove the cyst and they might have to take the whole ovary depending on how much the cyst had taken over. The idea that all this might affect how well I'm able to have children someday haunted me...even though it's only a "what if". She put me on birth control to, hopefully, keep more cysts from growing in the future. I was scheduled to have surgery during fall break...still a month or so away.
Wow! A lot to take in!
God really blessed me during the pain with a few friends that really cared about me. At first I soaked in the care and attention...I loved the love! But...along with all the hormones involved with having a cyst...my emotions were a roller coaster. I started lashing out at people that were only trying to help. I hated the "pity look." I hated not being able to do anything about the pain when it came on. I hated having to constantly tell my professors I had to miss class and why....even though they are all very understanding. I hated not having control...not just of the pain, but my crazy mood swings. I have always prided myself on being able to keep it together and "suck it up". Girls that are constantly emotional and "always have something wrong" drive me crazy. Yet that was what I was becoming...and I hated it.
I clearly remember one conversation. A friend asked how I was doing and I started rambling on about how "I'm doing alright...but I have to go talk to my professors tomorrow in person about missing class...and I just don't like having to do that." I looked up at her to see her giving me that "pity look" that I hate so much. So I went on..."I just...don't like the way people look at me when I tell them what's wrong...you know?" Thinking she'd get the hint, I looked back at her but was alarmed to see her eyes getting misty.
"But Amy...you can't help it! You're in pain!" She looked at me with such concern....like she was trying to dig deeper into my soul and figure me out. What was really going on...why it is that I hate letting people help me so much. My heart started beating wildly and I frantically tried to explain...
"I just...I wish I could go to class and I can't. I don't like not being able to control this....I don't want them to think I'm not trying. I'm doing my best...." I went on with a string of excuses but the concern on her face just kept growing.
"Amy...come here." she said and patted the seat next to her.
I froze. The heat building in my face and my heart getting faster. She wanted "to talk." I didn't feel ready for that...in fact I did NOT want to have this conversation AT ALL! I'm fine! I can handle this...at least, I'm trying to!
Her eyes filled with tears..."I just want to give you a hug."
That did it...my face became stone and I stared at the floor for a long while, refusing to move. When people hug me and I'm already on the edge...everything starts to spill out and once I start crying I can't stop. I didn't want that and I was so ANGRY with her for trying to force this on me. This friend has the spiritual gift of empathy...she may think there's deeper stuff going on my heart...but I didn't want to face it. I didn't even want to acknowledge that it was there! I'm FINE!!
I finally got up to sit next to her...but it was like pulling teeth. She hugged me and put her hand on my back. I sat as still as stone, not wanting to speak, or cry...just stared into the space ahead of me. What I really wanted was to bolt out the door and not have to answer to her. But I didn't want to offend her by leaving her there alone. I didn't want to hurt her. But I also didn't want to face myself. I'd rather bear the pain of the cyst than deal with my own crap.
"Amy...it's okay to cry..." So I did...I cried. And I slowly started to tell her stories from the past week. Times when I couldn't get a grip...times when I got so upset about little things and didn't know why. I was an emotional wreck and I hated it. I hated it!
By the time I went back to my room...I was still angry with her. I wanted to hold firm to the fact that it was just hormones, stress with school, and pain...nothing more. But she forced me to start thinking about why I feel the way I do...and I unwillingly realized that there was something deeper dictating my actions and feelings...she was giving me the truth. But the truth pissed me off!
Day of surgery finally came...and they got that thing OUT OF ME!!!!! :) They were able to save my ovary and got rid of any other endometriosis scarring that they saw as well. Dr. Messenger informed me that since my ultrasound, the size of the cyst had grown from 5 cm to 10! The size of a softball...and, the size of a baby at three months of pregnancy! Holy cats...no wonder I had gained weight in my midsection....I was only irritating it with exercise!
Over the next week, I healed and my tummy became flatter than it had been in months. I got back to school and into the swing of things...making up homework and almost completely pain free. Night and day difference!! It was wonderful! I thought that chapter in my life was now over. But I was wrong.
I may have been pain free physically...but my emotions were still a roller coaster. I knew it wasn't homework stress or hormones anymore. Moments when I would suddenly become very angry, jealous, hurt, miserable....crying all the time. I felt bipolar, a mess, a drama queen. I felt I couldn't control myself. Little things...would set me off. I knew something was terribly wrong with me and I struggled to find the source. It had to be spiritual...as much as I dreaded facing it. What I concluded was this:
I am afraid of emotion.
My fears of being abandoned, forgotten, and rejected dictate almost everything I do.
I love having control...but when I have control, nothing goes like I want it to.
I am afraid of being hurt.
This fear, and my own pride keep me from showing people who I really am.
...Which only makes me frustrated with myself and hurts me more.
The spirit of jealousy I thought I'd done away with in high school never disappeared.
Somewhere along the line, my deep desires also became my burden.
...Because I believed they wouldn't be fulfilled and I just had to deal with the loss.
Realizing that I have a hard time giving my burdens...even my desires...over to Jesus.
I find it hard to trust that He won't leave me empty...that he will be faithful to satisfy me.
Somewhere along the line, my deep desires also became my burden.
...Because I believed they wouldn't be fulfilled and I just had to deal with the loss.
Realizing that I have a hard time giving my burdens...even my desires...over to Jesus.
I find it hard to trust that He won't leave me empty...that he will be faithful to satisfy me.
And so much more...face to face with my true self. My humanness.
Disgusted with myself.
Disgusted with myself.
So Basically...
I am broken.
and I can't do this on my own.
I. need. God.
I have learned that He doesn't require me to have quiet time with Him...
but I need it for my own sanity...for peace and direction!!
I need Him to carry me and hold me together when I feel like I will fall apart.
I can't do this on my own...I really can't
I need Him to carry me and hold me together when I feel like I will fall apart.
I can't do this on my own...I really can't
I. NEED. HIM.
I need His saving love and grace to wash me clean.
~
~
So fall semester ended, and even though I had learned all this...my emotional melt-downs did not end.
I decided to sign up to go to OneThing, a week-long conference in December held by the International House of Prayer (IHoP) down in Kansas City. I think I was desperate for God to just detox me and be done with it so I could move on! I wanted Him to transform me in a big way...
What happened was that when we got down to Kansas City, every little thing put me on edge and I was annoyed with people all the time. I didn't want to be there. Here's a snippet of what I wrote in my journal:
I've always loved reading fiction novels...and usually before a
character can claim victory and rise to the occasion as a
"hero/heroine"...he or she must know their own weakness.
Without this knowledge...they will fall.
God has shown me that my time has now come to take my place as His Queen.The old has gone, the new has come.
What happened was that when we got down to Kansas City, every little thing put me on edge and I was annoyed with people all the time. I didn't want to be there. Here's a snippet of what I wrote in my journal:
"I'm getting really sick of my own weakness - my anger, jealousy, apathy, tiredness, selfish ambition, and guardedness.
I came here thinking I would discover how to encounter You in a new way - but all I've been is annoyed and shut off!
How do I get what they have??! Or am I just different and must encounter you in a unique way?
I kind of just want to go home but that would feel like giving up. If I stay though, I might just be more and more frustrated.
Why are you so far away God!
I can't sing and mean the words. I'm not willing, I don't hear You or feel You.
The facts are still true - but I feel like stone - things just bounce off me and don't stick.
The speaker yells and my ears refuse to listen. Just annoyed.
Do I even fit in here with this group?
WHERE ARE YOU?!!
There's more, there has to be more, but I can't get it.
Once again - it's all about me when it shouldn't be.
I don't want to be fake. I want to be authentic and real with people. But does that mean I sit here crossing my arms with a scowl and be the grump I'm feeling? Arg!
What do they see when they worship? What point do they focus on? Do they feel You?
Why can't I?
Stale"
I prayed fervently: Disturb me Lord! Awaken my spirit!
I stayed at the conference out of the hope that God still had something in store for me. That he wouldn't leave me empty. And He came through. :)
One day I had the urge to just sit and read...for a long time. So I went to the bookstore and browsed for awhile. I came across a book called The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom by Henri J. M. Nouwen. Sounded like what I needed...so I was standing there reading the back when a lady next to me pointed to it and said it was a great book and I should get it. I glanced up and had a double-take! The woman was walking away, but not before I noticed that it was Davy Flower...the singer of the worship band from the night before...who had sung in front of the thousands and thousands of people at OneThing...who just spoke to me! She moved on to a couple next to me who were also looking at the same book and started talking on and on about how great the book is. She even pulled it out of her purse and read a passage that struck a chord in me.
Okay! I'll buy it God!!
I proceeded to read half of this book that afternoon...soaking up every word. It is a series of journal entries from a time in the author's life when he suddenly lost his self-esteem, energy to live and work, his sense of being loved, and even his hope in God. The journal entries show a movement from despair into life...and he is now a great spiritual writer. His words were exactly what I needed to wake up my spirit and start to see things in a new light. (I HIGHLY recommend this book!)
That night at worship Misty Edwards gave the message...and what was started in me, grew. She spoke about what it is like to love God with Your mind and how to be in constant dialogue with Him.
"You know how we create conversations with other people in our heads?....well they can't hear you! But He can." Our brain and imagination has been wired to be in dialogue with God. Misty helped me to realize that my creative imagination can be used in prayer! I've always had a difficult time praying...but whatever she said helped to make it a little easier. :)
She also said something about that verse in Genesis when the man will leave his Father's House to be united with his bride....and how that's exactly what Jesus did. Oh my goodness! How had I never realized that connection before?! I mean...I knew it, just not how it related to one of the very first commands given to man.
Whatever else Misty said was lost to me because suddenly I was swept up in love.
He left His Father's House...a perfect place...
To be united with me.
With me!
With his Bride!
I was Chosen for Him by the Father
My Jesus!
And I heard the name He has called me from the very beginning. "Beloved"
Beloved. Beloved.
The definition of the name "Amy"
You are not of this world Beloved.
And the idea hit me that because Jesus is King....that makes me....His Queen.
Whoa!
How the heck does that happen after everything I've been through lately?!
Yet he persisted to show me how it's exactly what I've longed to hear my whole life. The whole princess-thing that some of my friends buy into has always seemed a little tacky and girly to me, even if I believe its truths. Truths that I am loved, beautiful, and captivating. That my Prince rescues and romances me with beauty.
But I've always wanted more than that. I don't want to be the dainty, delicate Princess that others fight to protect. Yes, I want to be pursued and I want Him to save me and fight for His Beloved
But...I want to be a warrior.
I love the story of women like Eowyn- women of Power who take up arms to fight for what they believe in and love. Women with confidence and dignity. Women who simply walk across the room and demand attention by their fragrance and manner of being. Women of royal position who actually do something. Fierce and Beautiful.
The King looks to her who sits at His right hand - His Beloved.
It makes sense! In high school youth group we learned about Spiritual Gifts and my friends all told me that they thought I fell under the "Organizer" gifting...also called "Ruler." I didn't quite believe it...but now it seems to fit. So I must learn to walk through life fighting alongside the King and leaning on Him.
God gave me this scripture:
"The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called "my delight is in her", and your land "married"
...as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.
The Lord has made proclamation to the ends of the earth:
'Say to the Daughter of Zion, 'See, your Savior comes!
See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him'
They will be called the Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord;
and you will be called Sought After,
the City No Longer Deserted."
-Isaiah 62
Oh Lord...how I have longed to be Sought After...and that is your new name for me!!
On the drive home from OneThing, worship songs repeated in my head. And then a rush of memories from the past year flooded me and I realized how everything I've gone through has brought me to a place where I could accept God's truth for my life. Everything seemed to sink into place. God took me from my unrest in London to a rest, even through a cyst. He gave me community that I so longed for. He then proceeded to show me that I need Him and I can't do this alone....that taking control into my own hands does not work...and I must live in expectancy rather than expectations.
Without this knowledge...they will fall.
God has shown me that my time has now come to take my place as His Queen.The old has gone, the new has come.
To be honest though...all this semester, I've struggled with accepting this as my "new reality"...not feeling worthy of the calling. But the beauty is that: what seems to be true in my present circumstances...doesn't make the greater truth invalid.
And my friends...the battle has raged on... but He's worked to prepare me for it.
I'd love to say that since this revelation, everything has been peachy and I'm giving everything I am to Him...but sometimes all I can do is cling to truth and His promises, trying to rest find in His arms.
~
Growing up, I never really felt I had a testimony. I grew up in the church and was a "good girl." But I remember hearing stories from people who were so broken that the only place to go was God's loving arms. A total transformation. I longed for that...because to be honest, I never really had the sense that I "needed God." I never knew my own brokenness so completely. I now feel I have a story. But mine is not of abuse of my flesh...but of the heart and the wars in my mind...believing lies that bind me.
It has not been an easy year. In fact is has really sucked! The "journey" is not fun at all!
Having your own frailty thrown in your face is not a pleasant experience.
I'm not out of the desert yet. Oh no...not at all. The current semester has also been very hard and I've realized even more broken places inside me needing the Healer.
However....I know that because God has rescued me in the past....He will be the Rescuer in the present and future. The "desert place" of our walk shows us how to have roots and depend upon Him. It's a place where God wants to love us. Sometimes, though, when we cannot provide for ourselves, we forget that God is still leading. I still struggle with this. I struggle with the question "Are you going to provide for me God?"
Learning to ask: "How are You going to provide?" And trust that He will. Trust His promises. At times, all we can do is cling to Jesus. Allowing Him to carry the burden is hard for me to do...I'm still learning to give my burden to Him...but it's the only way to have life to the full.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." - Hosea 2:14
"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall." - Malachi 4:2
So dance freely before the Giver of Freedom...knowing you are wholly His...loved and accepted.
~Merely Mortal~
