Circumcision (it's only awkward if you make it awkward....read on)

I'm opting to journal right now instead of all the little projects I need to finish for classes tomorrow...that's fine. :)

Besides having a cold and having coughing attacks interrupt important events and having to drink tea so much that I have to pee all the time (which is okay, I like tea), nothing much is wrong with me.
I didn't much like have a coughing tizzy during the last song of our concert, that happens to be one of my favorites to play, and trying to hold it back so much that I have tears going down my face. Yugh...

"and I'm restless, I'm restless, till I rest in you."

I want it to snow so badly. If it doesn't snow this week, I won't be able to see snow on this campus (which is beautiful btw) until next year. I prayed for snow last night and did a snow dance or two....mainly because last year at the Candelight service it snowed. *And it was magical* We walked back to campus with large fluffy flakes illuminated by the street lights and a stillness in the air...sliding through the streets and giggling like children.
But alas...it didn't snow :( Not until this morning, and it didn't even accumulate on the ground...poo

it's been an eventful weekend
Friday night I saw Tangled
Glorious! (check this out)
I might even buy it when it comes out...and that's saying a lot
Although when I found out shortly after the movie that Mandy Moore is the voice of Rapunzel, I must say, I was a tad disappointed. (not the biggest fan) But that's alright.
Afterward a group of us went to Smo Row and just hung out. That was fun. I learned a lot more about those girls than I thought I would. lol

Favorite Drink? Home-made lemonade in the summer, in a mason jar. And hot cider during the cold months.
Favorite place to hang out with family/friends? With family - Wisconsin. With friends - well, in the past I would say church camp. Now...probably smokey row or Red Rock.
Describe your perfect day? It would be summer and I would wake up before the sunrise, but not be tired. I love that crisp fresh morning air...reminds me of camp. I'd watch the sunrise and have some prayer/bible time before going for a run. Then I might have breakfast at a cute coffee shop with just a few people I'm close with. Sometime during the day, Mr. Wonderful will finally show up and sweep me off my feet. The day will consist of a lot of nature, walks in the park, sunset at the beach, dancing in the rain. I might create some sort of artwork or song or be inspired somehow throughout the day (whether from a concert or whatever). Meeting Rob Bell in person would be awesome, also doing some traveling and exploring. Picnic outside for lunch and cooking dinner...I'm feeling spaghetti...then throw some swing dancing and star-gazing in there. Sigh...
Favorite Ice Cream? Cake batter. I also love Mint Chip
Favorite Home-cooked meal? deviled eggs...and yes, that can be a meal for me :)
Favorite Fictional Character? Male: Aragorn (Aladdin is also a keeper), Female: Eowyn....yes
If you could travel anywhere, where?  Besides Europe and all the places I know I'll go there...I've always wanted to see the Taj Mahal and to travel the LOTR trail in New Zealand.

Speaking of traveling. Mandy and I will be visiting film locations in England from the movie Pride and Prejudice...one of my favorite movies.  SO EXCITED!!!

ah, such a good movie. We also watched this Saturday night :)

Saturday after working all day I went to Sara's Aunt's house and had some wonderful pasta made by wonderful friends before skipping over to Encounter.

Encounter Transformation
Woah buddy.
The lesson topic was about circumcision.
and it wasn't as awkward as you might think
We learned more about how it was meant to be a sign for us.
To be vulnerable and available enough for God to work in our lives...to mold us into better people....cutting off unnecessary flesh and sin.
Emphasis on "God working"....not "human striving." Human striving always fails. But when we surrender even our striving "to be good" to Him, he'll work. And sometimes His working is painful, but afterward we can see that His fingerprints were all over it.
I really liked this lesson.

During the prayertime I saw a few images...the first was of a pink blossom on a tree similar to a Magnolia blossom in the springtime.

There was only one beautifully fragile blossom on this tree in the springtime, even some snow still on the ground.
I'm not sure exactly what it meant, but it felt like a promise from God
like...I'm growing...even if everything around me still feels cold and dead
I'm growing and blooming. He's bringing fresh new things to my life.
and I'm excited for them.
It was also an encouragement....a reminder of how beautiful I am in his sight....even if I'm not fully bloomed. :)
I thought it was interested that when Jean led us through prayer questions, the image I saw for "ask him how he sees your sin" was a snake. But the snake seemed weak. Jean emphasized that Jesus is not condemning
my eyes welled up with tears....
so often I condemn myself for my sin, but Jesus knows I'm weak and it's because Satan...because of the evil in the unseen world that I sin

The last picture I saw as I surrendered my heart little by little was an image of another closed blossom. It was white and breathtaking, with pink at its tips...and as it opened, my heart quickened knowing something magnificent was inside it. I anxiously waited as it opened slowly and a bright light shone out of it until it was fully open and I was exposed to a great blast of light that just seemed to suck me in. But it was a peaceful, joyful kind of light...warm.

I have realized this past semester, more than anything, that the desire within me for love...especially in looking and desperately seeking for a future spouse...is so locked within my core that no matter how hard I try...I can't seem to shake how often I think about it.
I've tried so many ways to be content with being single at this point in my life.
I've heard it said that once you become content, that's when God will surprise you with what you wanted all along.
And I believe this.
I also believe that Jesus is all I need, he's enough for me and satisfies in such a way that no boy ever could.
I've heard everything there is to hear about being the apple of His eye, His bride, patience in waiting....everything.
But nothing helps. No matter how hard I try...I still constantly think about having someone...to care for me and know me through and through...going out of their way to know me...still loving my faults.
But Human Striving...always fails.
I can't shake such a desire that takes up a huge part of me on my own.
In fact, I believe God gives us these desires for a reason! But often Satan can take them and use them against us.
So, for once....I'm not trying to be content. I've stopped trying to do anything about it....
Instead I'm opening myself...my heart...to how he wants to work and heal me and fill whatever hole it produces.
I'm so sick of the self-pity, the desperate seeking, as if I'm the wayward bride throwing herself at any attention and love she receives.
I can't....but he can.
He has promised good things.
So often we hear the promise...but when it doesn't happen right away, we think it's our duty to strive to fulfill them...messing up how much good he plans to give us if we just wait and allow him to work.

I think as humans we somehow feel that we have to do works in order to bring about the promises of God, and really...our own happiness. I just had a conversation with someone about this. How we even get wrapped up in doing service to others, which don't get me wrong is a GOOD thing, but we find so much happiness in doing good things that when we are too busy to do them....our joy is somehow sucked away. God is going to work no matter what...we don't have to feel like we're going to screw up his plan if we don't strive to serve, seek, learn, whatever...

Sometimes we're fool enough to think that we're big enough to mess up God's plan.

~Merely Mortal~