Grey Ships

"New world - big horizon

Open your eyes and see it's true

New across the frightening

Waves of blue" 

~ David Wilcox

So, if my FB status worked, more of you might be reading this by now.

So here's a few things you should keep in mind when reading my writing:
I don't like comments.
I repeat: I don't like comments. So, comment if you must...but try to refrain. :)
I want this to feel more like a journal...and comments make me feel like I need to entertain.
However, although it is a journal...it is also a way for friends and family back home to keep up with my travels and adventures while I'm overseas...you just get the privilege of my other random thoughts as well. haha!
Lastly, I like to use a lot of :)'s, ....'s, and frequent lol's. No judging. :)

So.

The suitcases are packed. I've gone through their contents at least three times and my mind is still going through every little detail. Maybe I should take a sleeping pill to sleep tonight because I'm sure my brain is not going to shut up.

In 11 hours I will be in the truck with my Dad on the way to the Des Moines airport. Early afternoon I will be on the plane...and a skip and a hop later I will arrive in London around 7:45 Sunday morning.

Surreal?

Yes.

Can I handle all these emotions at once?

Maybe.

I mean...YES! :)

"Don't say...we have come now to the end. White shores are calling. You and I will meet again....and you'll be here in my arms, just sleeping. What can you see? on the horizon? Why do the white gulls call? Across the sea, a pale moon rises." Okay...maybe a little too dramatic of a song for the moment...lol

nights like tonight...

I'll probably sleep with Oo Oo

my childhood stuffed monkey :)

Comfort. Innocence. Security.

He doesn't get much lovin these days anyway.

In fact...mom found him stuffed between the wall and my bed last night...when she pulled him out I almost cried.

Why? who knows.

I guess the mixture of massive fear, exhilaration, excitement, and sadness from missing something and someones you haven't even left yet can make you act irrationally.

I have a good thing going here and people I love with all my heart.

When this girl loves...it's a fiercely loyal kind of love.

And I miss people I haven't even left yet.

I visited Central this past weekend and had a wonderful time with the bestest friends God could bless me with. At Monday night prayer, Nick told us to pray about the things we are scared about for this semester and pray that God will reveal a goal to us...something he is going to teach us this semester.
All the fears I've been pushing away about this trip came rushing to the foreground.
All the irrational, selfish fears that I have refused to acknowledge.
The fear that things will be vastly different when I return to the states. The fear of change...going into Europe...and coming home.
The fear that I will be alone....that I won't have solid deep life-sharing relationships in London. I desperately want one good friend that I can talk to about anything while I live over there...I fear that kindred spirit will not be found.
And...I fear that I will be forgotten and abandoned by those I love. That friends back home will be too busy to stay in touch. I did not realize this particular fear until Monday night.

It's good to remember that all these fears...are just lies. Just lies Satan weaves so that I don't trust my Protector. So with God's help, I choose to turn fear off.

I've been reading The Shack. I read half of it over the summer and put it aside when school started and I just picked it back up again this week...thinking I would finish it before leaving. lol...you can't just read a book like that so quickly...it needs to marinate in your thoughts...and for me...subconscious.  When I stopped reading it at the end of the summer I had just gotten to the point where Mack was about to walk on water with Jesus.
I have found that when I really quiet myself and listen to God, he speaks to me with pictures and images in my head. All this past semester I had an image of myself on the water with Jesus....three times.
The first vision I had was around the start of school. The sky was brilliant blue and sunny and I was on a lake with Jesus with vibrant greens on the shores. I wasn't just walking with Jesus on the water...we were dancing. My favorite part was when He would twirl me out and I'd throw out my arms and spin without getting dizzy on the water. It was a strange feeling...I felt the water on my feet, but not really....I just skidded along spinning and twirling with Jesus. Then I'd run back to Him and sit in front of Him in the middle of the lake and just ask Him questions. It was SPLENDID and I wanted to continue the vision laughing and dancing with my Savior.
The second vision happened during InterVarsity's Fall Conference. Except the scene was much different. It was still a happy vision, with me dancing with Jesus. But this time the sky was dark and down-pouring as the waves crashed around me...almost swallowing me whole at times as high as they were. But Jesus was with me and through the storm...He protected me.
The most recent vision I had was at the last Encounter of the semester that I attended...in fact...it snowed that night...the first snow in Pella of the semester. In this vision everything was white with a fresh thick layer of snow. I was alone in the middle of the white blanket and the sky was black...everything was so eerily still. Yes there was no wind and I was not cold. I walked alone in this snow wondering where I was and realized I was walking on some hard, almost slippery, surface. I bent down and wiped the snow away to see that what I was standing on was ice...the lake frozen over. Yet when I looked around me I couldn't see Jesus...but I could feel His presence.

How interesting God would allow me to see these things as I was preparing to cross an ocean for the first time in my life. To go overseas.

"but how do you step off a dock onto water? Do you jump as if you are landing on concrete, or do you step over the edge like you are getting out of a boat?...
'Will my feet get wet?' queried Mack.
'Of course, water is still wet.'
Again Mack looked down at the water and back at Jesus. 'Then why is this so hard for me?'
'Tell me what you are afraid of, Mack.'
'Well, let me see. What am I afraid of?' began Mack. 'Well, I am afraid of looking like an idiot. I am afraid that you are making fun of me and that I will sink like a rock. I imagine that -'
'Exactly,' Jesus interrupted. 'You imagine. Such a powerful ability, the imagination! That power alone makes you so like us. But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel taskmaster.'"

How interesting also, that an important scripture for me this past semester has been the story in John 4 when Jesus talks to the Samaritan woman at the well. Living water and a woman who is undeserving....but not in the eyes of Jesus.

If you ask me...I think God has been teaching me big time this past semester. Trust.


Sometimes leaving good things is the means of discovering Great things!
I know God has amazingly beautiful experiences for me in the next four months.

So TELL THEM THAT I'M DEFYING GRAVITY!! Kiss me goodbye I'm Defying Gravity...and You can't bring me down!!!

If you just read all that. Bravo! I hope not to write novels like that all the time...I've just had a lot on my mind the past couple of weeks since my last post. :)

Just a couple last quotes to think about from The Shack:

"Men never to evil so completely and cheerfully, as when they do it from a religious conviction." ~Blaise Pascal

"As well-intentioned as it might be, you know that religious machinery can chew up people!"